I have been making music, losing teeth, and having chapped lips. So far I am learning to live without a very important friend, and I guess I am adapting to it as well as someone could imagine. I still get pains when I find something sweet in my apartment that reminds me of her. And when I had to remove all the things hanging on the wall, that was not as fun as I could have hoped.
Today is just a semi-motivational day. I have been having emotional trouble but more I have been having bi polar issues. Something possibly the increase in concerta has been hurting my mind's stability. So I have been working hard to stay on task and compete with the nagging lack of motion that is a sign of my brain not working. I need help from my friends to keep me going, so if it just talking to me while I am trying to get some work done,or putting on some music that can keep my mind from wandering while I am trying to get something done, that works. If this persists then I will have to go back to the doctor to sort out possibly increasing the Risperidone, or decreasing the ADD support or just changing the whole mixture to something a little more workable to see if it was the Concerta.
Some of the music James and I have been working on can be found at Ehkolite.blogspot.com It works like a podcast so daily we have new music posted. There are no lyrics on any of the songs, mostly they are just guitar and beats. I hope to have some rapping up there soon. James is really amazing at it, and I want you guys to hear.
My year end at work did not go very well. I ended up with no raise and the worst rating you can receive. So I need to pull it together so I can afford to get a raise and start breaking the money barrier I am trying for. But even more so, I want to start really getting better so that I am able to keep my job past the April cut mark. They usually find a way to fire you right before Partnership day, which is where we get our yearly bonus just for being employed. It is sort of like stock.
I am going to see my lawyer in the next week to discuss how to handle these threatening situations I have been getting from people who are less smart and think threatening a person's life is a good idea. Once I figure that out, I will move on to the next steps. I am in no danger, I just would like to get things ready and documented.
I drank for the first time in a long time for Christmas. One whole bottle of Cabernet before 2pm. I felt sort of drunk but nothing like drunk. I guess I broke my drunk bone. That was the last thing I will have drunk (alcoholic wise) until next Christmas. Wanted to build a snow man yesterday but I had no boots. All of my clothes are being washed currently as I was very much out of them. And I mean... ALL of them.
That is my update. Check out the music. It should treat you right, whether you like soft guitar, metal guitar, prog rock guitar, or just straight up hip hop beats. The Ehk'olite (featuring BadmanJ)
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
A little information
I do not expect my heart to be healed so soon after losing my dearest friend, but I do hope it was worth it.
It was a beautiful weekend
The snow was wonderful to see. I watched it as it fell and I thought of many things. Today and yesterday was filled with emails and music and medicines. I needed to shift up meds again so I am better functioning. The Dolphins lost that was the first time since I started watching digital football. I watch it on the computer. It is the only way to watch it in my opinion. There are three commercials through out the game and no butt grabbing like on tv.
My new headphones are great. The sound very nice. I mostly use them for listening to the music I have been making and I have found a bunch of little things that I could work out to fix later with them. I like that. I have been listening to loads of music because music appeals to me now. That all started when I began taking Abilify and stopped taking Risperidone in the huge quantity I had been. So I am better. It took some planning and some fearful alterations to my medicinal use, but it was WELL worth it. Sometimes to get better you need to do things that make you uncomfortable I have found. That information is something I knew and something I have now tried.
My new headphones are great. The sound very nice. I mostly use them for listening to the music I have been making and I have found a bunch of little things that I could work out to fix later with them. I like that. I have been listening to loads of music because music appeals to me now. That all started when I began taking Abilify and stopped taking Risperidone in the huge quantity I had been. So I am better. It took some planning and some fearful alterations to my medicinal use, but it was WELL worth it. Sometimes to get better you need to do things that make you uncomfortable I have found. That information is something I knew and something I have now tried.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Tim
From this vantage point Tim has a perfect hiding spot. Tim is under the castle’s deck flooring. Some kids before him had dug out under the wooden castle and left it as a trash bin. Tim is just small enough to fit and allow for perfect coverage. Even more so if people find him they cannot even get to him to tag him out. He feels excited, his legs dance and his heart beats with vapid eagerness. He wants to yell out so everyone can see him hiding there and say ”Wow Tim, you are so impressive, I would have never thought to hide there!” and “Tim is the greatest, let’s get his parents they will be so proud.”
Tim imagines the helmet he should have, and the world begins to alter in front of him. He is a master of disguise, the hiding place turns into an invisible barrier of which only he can see out. A swirl of leaves kicks up from the wind blowing a little sand on his face sticking to the grime that builds on a boy unknowingly. To Tim the leaves are a sign that the spirits are with him. He controls the wind, and wishes it to do his bidding. He forces his will on the wind again, knowing it will obey. He wills the wind to kick up more leaves and swirl them at Gary who is in the middle of the castle’s tire field. The wind lightly breezes and moves a few leaves skittering across the wood chips. Tim now knows he controls the wind, he just has to teach it to grow stronger. He never knew he could control the wind before today so he needs to learn just like the wind needs to acknowledge that now he was its master.
Gary spins around looking for the other children. He spots Theresa on the monkey bars. Trying his best to walk like he doesn’t see her Gary makes his way over to the monkey bars, but Theresa gives up her hiding and jumps from the third step of the monkey bars. Stumbling to the ground when she lands she screams excitedly and starts to run as fast as her little legs can take her. Gary is in full run now and Theresa is not as fast. The hunter tags the prey and she stops running and laughs winded but excited that now she is a bad guy and can capture her friends where she knows they are hiding.
Tim imagines the helmet he should have, and the world begins to alter in front of him. He is a master of disguise, the hiding place turns into an invisible barrier of which only he can see out. A swirl of leaves kicks up from the wind blowing a little sand on his face sticking to the grime that builds on a boy unknowingly. To Tim the leaves are a sign that the spirits are with him. He controls the wind, and wishes it to do his bidding. He forces his will on the wind again, knowing it will obey. He wills the wind to kick up more leaves and swirl them at Gary who is in the middle of the castle’s tire field. The wind lightly breezes and moves a few leaves skittering across the wood chips. Tim now knows he controls the wind, he just has to teach it to grow stronger. He never knew he could control the wind before today so he needs to learn just like the wind needs to acknowledge that now he was its master.
Gary spins around looking for the other children. He spots Theresa on the monkey bars. Trying his best to walk like he doesn’t see her Gary makes his way over to the monkey bars, but Theresa gives up her hiding and jumps from the third step of the monkey bars. Stumbling to the ground when she lands she screams excitedly and starts to run as fast as her little legs can take her. Gary is in full run now and Theresa is not as fast. The hunter tags the prey and she stops running and laughs winded but excited that now she is a bad guy and can capture her friends where she knows they are hiding.
Jessie
The tears fall to the ground for the last time. Jessie moves her sleeve across her eyes. The time to move on starts today. Her grandfather has been nothing but a wonderful influence and her foremost role model as to what a man should be. Looking over him now oddly positioned with hands resting on stomach. Fingers folded together with the wedding band of his youth thru his old age still on his whitened hand. Jessie thinks about how she should possibly feel abandoned, or discarded, but she does not feel any animosity. Grandfather was nothing if not caring, and knew more about the world than any man she has ever known. Her grandmother died not four weeks before this. The love between the two grandparents was so strong as to lose one meant the structure could not stand. The image seals itself into her mind to let her remember that everything changes but nothing has to lead to destruction, just rebirth. Life is brand new now. Her childhood is now over, and she can look forward to herself one day putting someone else in this position. She hopes the love and caring she feels now will trickle down into her children’s children.
Jessie turns to leave explaining to her deceased in her mind that her turning is not turning her back on him, but just a manner of moving away and going forward. Her mind imagines her grandfather being proud of her for being able to turn and go and not feel hurt deeply for having time continue on. Her eyes fill with the loss once more but feels, perhaps, it is the pain of knowing she can still continue to make him proud just by being the person he helped her become.
The rows and rows of younger friends sit crying and wailing and shifting in their seats. The sound of the movement makes a rustling that can barely be heard. He was the oldest, and the last left of all his friends whom he was able to call brother. He had seen the world and shown like a light to everyone who would grace by him. The hall seemed far too small for the walk Jessie had to the back. Outside the doors she can no longer smell the thick air and see the dark curtains. The foyer has a very tinny music playing and thru the windows there are a few children outside running around not sure why they are here. Other adults are outside by the wall smoking in a way to cope with loss. Leaning against the wall with one arm folded into the other, with the cigarette darting in and out of their mouths talking about a sporting event, and gossiping about someone at work. Jessie takes a breath, brings out her keys and walks to the car. It is time to leave and continue with her life.
Jessie turns to leave explaining to her deceased in her mind that her turning is not turning her back on him, but just a manner of moving away and going forward. Her mind imagines her grandfather being proud of her for being able to turn and go and not feel hurt deeply for having time continue on. Her eyes fill with the loss once more but feels, perhaps, it is the pain of knowing she can still continue to make him proud just by being the person he helped her become.
The rows and rows of younger friends sit crying and wailing and shifting in their seats. The sound of the movement makes a rustling that can barely be heard. He was the oldest, and the last left of all his friends whom he was able to call brother. He had seen the world and shown like a light to everyone who would grace by him. The hall seemed far too small for the walk Jessie had to the back. Outside the doors she can no longer smell the thick air and see the dark curtains. The foyer has a very tinny music playing and thru the windows there are a few children outside running around not sure why they are here. Other adults are outside by the wall smoking in a way to cope with loss. Leaning against the wall with one arm folded into the other, with the cigarette darting in and out of their mouths talking about a sporting event, and gossiping about someone at work. Jessie takes a breath, brings out her keys and walks to the car. It is time to leave and continue with her life.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
It
“it’s cold”
“It’s not cold, it is breezy”
The two sat in the snow and sipped on their coffee. The separation of the hot chocolate in their last stake out had them reaching for the coffee this time.
“I swear it is cold. I am not even still sure I have a nose.”
“I can see it under that wrap, so it is fine. If you are going to keep doing this I am not going to take you out here anymore.”
“I don’t see why complaining is causing you any harm.”
“It is the noise. I can hardly stand the noise. The wind is making noise, you are making noise, your swallowing is making noise. With all the rustling you are doing it is extremely difficult to even make out any soft padding around here.”
“Fine. You know you swallow too, and that annoys me.”
“I swallow like a gnat. If you can hear that why did you miss Ke’Rhem shifting past you the last time?”
“I didn’t miss it, I just felt it was the wrong time to speak up.”
The coffee is growing cold in the canister. The winter wind is shifting the trees above them sifting small flurries of snow cascading down to alight dryly on the shoulders of the two men. It easily blows off when the next wind passes. The sky is a deep blue, the light is starting to shift into a twilight and the snow is reflecting this back to the sky. Very few signs of life cut lines in the snow allowing for any signs to be very apparent. A few shims, and a drith have passed in the four hours since they sat down. They sit in a wild of trees outlooking into a clearing. The clearing ends at the foot of a mountain. The rocks only slightly covered with snow. Most of the base is covered with ice from the melting. This mountain is heated, and home to many creatures. One of which the men are very interested in.
“Four hours.”
“Today we have seen more life than most, something is happening.”
Jehn’s eyes tighten behind his purple lenses. The snow ripples at the edge of the ice. It creeps slowly back into place. Again it ebbs away and back to, like waves on a beach.
“The mountain tides are beginning. Today might not be the day.”
“Not even six hours. The mountain is changing.”
“It’s not cold, it is breezy”
The two sat in the snow and sipped on their coffee. The separation of the hot chocolate in their last stake out had them reaching for the coffee this time.
“I swear it is cold. I am not even still sure I have a nose.”
“I can see it under that wrap, so it is fine. If you are going to keep doing this I am not going to take you out here anymore.”
“I don’t see why complaining is causing you any harm.”
“It is the noise. I can hardly stand the noise. The wind is making noise, you are making noise, your swallowing is making noise. With all the rustling you are doing it is extremely difficult to even make out any soft padding around here.”
“Fine. You know you swallow too, and that annoys me.”
“I swallow like a gnat. If you can hear that why did you miss Ke’Rhem shifting past you the last time?”
“I didn’t miss it, I just felt it was the wrong time to speak up.”
The coffee is growing cold in the canister. The winter wind is shifting the trees above them sifting small flurries of snow cascading down to alight dryly on the shoulders of the two men. It easily blows off when the next wind passes. The sky is a deep blue, the light is starting to shift into a twilight and the snow is reflecting this back to the sky. Very few signs of life cut lines in the snow allowing for any signs to be very apparent. A few shims, and a drith have passed in the four hours since they sat down. They sit in a wild of trees outlooking into a clearing. The clearing ends at the foot of a mountain. The rocks only slightly covered with snow. Most of the base is covered with ice from the melting. This mountain is heated, and home to many creatures. One of which the men are very interested in.
“Four hours.”
“Today we have seen more life than most, something is happening.”
Jehn’s eyes tighten behind his purple lenses. The snow ripples at the edge of the ice. It creeps slowly back into place. Again it ebbs away and back to, like waves on a beach.
“The mountain tides are beginning. Today might not be the day.”
“Not even six hours. The mountain is changing.”
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Jeth
He takes another slug and leans back. He thinks “Once more I am stuck, surrounded by a world of men who's aim it is to leave me a blood stained mess barely recognizable on the ground to haul in my corpse." Jeth breathes out, almost sighing, to catch the scent aloft on the water vapor that is escaping with his thoughts.
The alarms start to buzz all around him. The sound is lost, the buzzing turning in to a faint numb sound. His mind begins to play a favorite song to enjoy while he lets his reactions take over for the time being. The war trained eyes start scanning the lit screens to the right and left of his hands. The song plays on.
The swarm of ships fades on to the screen in a dazzling perspective. The volley of white and mate black suggests almost a sunrise in newsprint. Jeth moves his fingers quickly in a blur of actions. The turrets on the ship expose and the blast shields come down in the cockpit making his chair the safest place in the ship to be. If he took all the shots offered, the sphere in which is he sits would remain unharmed in any severe way; the main point of manning this BullWeevl. The ship is segmented in five spheres held together by thick wings of passages to cross over to the sections. End to end a Bullweevl is 1.82 kliks with over 90 kliks of tunnels wound about inside the hull. The power comes from a magnetic generator. Over 6000 propulsion valves litter the exterior in a beautiful design for unmatched handling and adjustment. Most of the weaponry is magnetic and matter based. This is devastating for most ships on the Capital Fleet. The shields found on most ships are a based of noise reflection. The weapons found on the highest types of ships use a light based proton blast. Acceleration and rapid fire are the main techniques of this striking style. Shields have been modified to take these types of blasts the best. The arms race forgot the past and focused so much on what could be that the Bullweevl's munitions are amazingly functional for a fleet firefight. Magnetic tungsten is fired at near speeds of light and lock on to target metal. The shields attempt to stop it slowing it down but after the instant blockage the spike in power to that spot recedes and the slug continues on its slightly slower but great velocity towards the target metal. It rips thru the ship instead of dissipating on the surface rendering the soft hull gaping wounds until the massive bullet slows too much to get any further. In order to fire this way the Bullweevl needs to be moving near speeds of light to counteract the firing mechanism. This takes a huge toll on the pilot who has to endure the constant changes in velocity and direction while firing. The shields of the Bullweevl are its largest weak point. Most of the power from the engine goes to pivoting and firing the huge magnetic cannons and starting the ships engines to dodge. Jeth allows sizable endurance for the battle at hand. The weevl goes silent as a transmission is allowed into the cockpit.
"Jeth, the decree is that you are no longer considered a simple threat. The charge has been altered to increase your max sentence to Phase 4. Your capture is no longer required; instead it is your immediate termination. You may turn yourself in, though your dossier would indicate you will not surrender. Whether you do or you do not the charge remains the same. "
The turrets on the Fleet spring to life as message continues in the background. Jeth moves nearing light speed to dodge but remains in the range of the ships. The weevl starts jittering in space as the tungsten rockets start leaving the cannons.
The alarms start to buzz all around him. The sound is lost, the buzzing turning in to a faint numb sound. His mind begins to play a favorite song to enjoy while he lets his reactions take over for the time being. The war trained eyes start scanning the lit screens to the right and left of his hands. The song plays on.
The swarm of ships fades on to the screen in a dazzling perspective. The volley of white and mate black suggests almost a sunrise in newsprint. Jeth moves his fingers quickly in a blur of actions. The turrets on the ship expose and the blast shields come down in the cockpit making his chair the safest place in the ship to be. If he took all the shots offered, the sphere in which is he sits would remain unharmed in any severe way; the main point of manning this BullWeevl. The ship is segmented in five spheres held together by thick wings of passages to cross over to the sections. End to end a Bullweevl is 1.82 kliks with over 90 kliks of tunnels wound about inside the hull. The power comes from a magnetic generator. Over 6000 propulsion valves litter the exterior in a beautiful design for unmatched handling and adjustment. Most of the weaponry is magnetic and matter based. This is devastating for most ships on the Capital Fleet. The shields found on most ships are a based of noise reflection. The weapons found on the highest types of ships use a light based proton blast. Acceleration and rapid fire are the main techniques of this striking style. Shields have been modified to take these types of blasts the best. The arms race forgot the past and focused so much on what could be that the Bullweevl's munitions are amazingly functional for a fleet firefight. Magnetic tungsten is fired at near speeds of light and lock on to target metal. The shields attempt to stop it slowing it down but after the instant blockage the spike in power to that spot recedes and the slug continues on its slightly slower but great velocity towards the target metal. It rips thru the ship instead of dissipating on the surface rendering the soft hull gaping wounds until the massive bullet slows too much to get any further. In order to fire this way the Bullweevl needs to be moving near speeds of light to counteract the firing mechanism. This takes a huge toll on the pilot who has to endure the constant changes in velocity and direction while firing. The shields of the Bullweevl are its largest weak point. Most of the power from the engine goes to pivoting and firing the huge magnetic cannons and starting the ships engines to dodge. Jeth allows sizable endurance for the battle at hand. The weevl goes silent as a transmission is allowed into the cockpit.
"Jeth, the decree is that you are no longer considered a simple threat. The charge has been altered to increase your max sentence to Phase 4. Your capture is no longer required; instead it is your immediate termination. You may turn yourself in, though your dossier would indicate you will not surrender. Whether you do or you do not the charge remains the same. "
The turrets on the Fleet spring to life as message continues in the background. Jeth moves nearing light speed to dodge but remains in the range of the ships. The weevl starts jittering in space as the tungsten rockets start leaving the cannons.
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